How to Break Up With a Girl
You will hurt her feelings but it’s ok, because she can find a date on her worst day with less effort than you can on your best. You might not see them, but they’re there, the bastards, hanging from the rafters, dicks in hand, ready to leap down, claw you apart, fuck your corpse, eat your heart and steal her. So don’t feel too bad about it. Life is full of dissapointments and you’re just another one–like a beautiful sandwich with mould on the corner, or losing a great book ten pages from the conclusion.
They’re not that soft, in fact, you are much softer, or you wouldn’t be here, reading this.
Actually dude, she has already moved on.
Cindy came over with cupcakes, Becky brought the wine coolers, Tiffany booked a flight for the girls to Cancun, Ricky the gay friend brought the weed (and told her to be a slut.)
She posted a sad sounding status update on Facebook and received twenty seven likes and twelve comments along the line of, “What’s wrong? What can I do to help? (Dicks in hand.)
Oh, she’ll be ok. You are not Pablo Picasso, not Hemingway, not Mohammed Ali. She can do better.
And you don’t have to tell the truth. The truth is always best, but if don’t even know why, use, “I’m just not feeling it.” She won’t understand at first, but she never will because life is absurd. You had your time, and now it’s over. Quit the delusions. If it’s because she got fat, tell her you’re not attracted to the fat. If it’s because she’s a bitch, tell her she has become a bitch. At least she’ll have something to focus on and work toward. At least she will get angry instead of sad. Maybe she won’t even be upset.