Try-Hards, Being Yourself, and Not Giving a Shit

yourselfA girl I met on the beach yesterday gave me insight into why I’m so awesome. Girls, though unconsciously (meaning they don’t know they’re helping you) sometimes give better feedback than most gurus:

“I realize why I don’t like twenty year old guys, they always try to impress. You never try to impress, you’re just yourself. It’s so refreshing.”

“Thanks lady,” I said. “You have pretty toes. Now get me a beer.”

One of the other ones I hear often is, “You’re so different.”

Most guys are try-hards.

But they’re not trying hard to accomplish great things; they’re trying to demonstrate their perceived value, which is often low. Percieved value is how you view yourself, and how you view others. It’s your self-image. In pickup it’s hard to fake your percieved image. Women are perceptive and can pick up on your vibrations. Literally, they can see you shake. Your body language and vocal tonality betray your insecurity.

You can fake it until you learn, or use other talents to increase your value. If you’re a pro-bmx rider, by all means, show her. Show them all.

Illusion of mastery: because most students aren’t masters, they’re mimicking their perceived idea of mastery, which they cannot fathom. You can never understand what you haven’t experienced. It’s like imagining the surface of the moon. We have no clue what the sand feels like, only in our creative minds eye do we visualize it. But even our imagination is driven by egoic identity. We have no idea what a good pickup looks like, or how or why it happens, so we visualize it from what we’ve read, or seen others do.

(I don’t need to read the book, I saw the movie.)


(I did.)

Confused yet? Good. If you don’t understand, ask in the comments. Word my niggas.

One of the fundamental principles of seduction is learning how to not give a shit what people think about you. Easier said than done.

I always laugh when women say men should, just be themselves, since men are never themselves—especially when around attractive women. We brag, over-drink, show off our skills and over-compensate. All of which can come across as try-hard. The trick with seduction is to make this appear effortless.

When a virtouso plays his instrument, it sounds natural.

When an athlete scores many points, they appear gifted.

When someone is wealthy and powerful, they seem lucky.

When the girl told me she was impressed with my personality—that I was good at being myself—what she really meant was she appreciated my virtuosity. I appeared gifted, lucky and natural in my charms. I could fart into my cupped palm and toss it at her, and she would commend me for being genuine.

But I’ve been scientifically practicing and studying charm for eight years (on and off). My appearance reflects my experience and self-belief.

Part of seduction is learning how to be a great salesman, orator, poet, politician—hell, even a con-man. The gift of gab is a skill just like any, and takes great time and effort to develop.

You will always give a shit what people think about you, and you will never just be yourself. But you can appear unique. It’s your mission to strive for virtuosity in one area, at least. You could be a virtuoso with women, as with guitar, or sports, or business, or health. The same principles apply.

Hard work

Self reflection






Acceptance of failure as feedback


Positive belief

In the seduction community there is a concept called the DHV (Demonstration of Higher Value). In a DHV story, you imbed your value into the story.

“So, my van broke down the other day, which sucks because my band has to rent one now.”

It’s a way to brag about your accomplishments without bragging. It does the trick, but it’s hard to pull off without seeming contrived and phony. The best DHV story is elicited by the listener. You don’t need to offer any information until it’s asked of you. Example:

Girl: Cool van. Are you a rapist?

Man: Yeah, I like to chop girls up and wear their boobs on my head.

Girl: …

Man: …

Girl: …

Man: Just kidding. I’m in a band. We need a van to move our gear.

Girl: Cool!

In the above scenario, the man disqualifies himself by pretending to be a serial killer, which is the opposite of trying to impress, and then demonstrates value by revealing he’s in a band, without prompting her to do so. His value was high enough that she wanted to explore him further. Any personal question by a woman should be considered a sighn of interest.  It seems like he doesn’t give a shit.

But what if the woman never prompts you to demonstrate your value? How do you show value without appearing to care?

This means you aren’t charming enough yet, (or at least in that moment). You need to practice more, talk to more women, work on your social and seductive skills (also skills and talents, i.e. guitar, writing, business, muscles, etc.)

When your thoughts, words, and actions are aligned, you will be attractive. Women will naturally want to seek out your further value and skills. You could be the funny guy in a bar, the charming guy at the office, the well dressed salesman, the story telling hippie at the campfire. But what else can he do? What else does he know? Who does he know? Why is he so confident? What does he do for a living? How old is he? Is he famous? Is his dick big? Is he good with his fingers at least? Oh god I hope so.

Self amusement + unreactiveness + Clarity of intent = A partial equation for looking like you don’t give a shit.

You amuse yourself, and you take opportunities when presented. You recognize a chance to display your value in a natural way, rather than forcing it upon people, to seek validation.

Be good at being yourself, that means, however you want yourself to be.

Picture it, five years from now.

Visualize your success.

Believe it will happen.

Act as if you already have it.

Realize you don’t need it.

After you’ve been with enough women, you actually won’t care.

***I’m heading to the east coast for Infield, Daygame Bootcamp Training. Up your game with Tony D***


  1. Tim Garrison says

    Vir tu os i ty : noun , mastery of a skill.

    virt o u so: noun , a person that has great skill at some endeavor ( often an art ).

    virt ue: noun , positive characteristic valued as promoting collective & individual

    Very good , Tony , always happy to learn a new word. “You could be a virtuoso with women,as with a guitar, or sports, or business , or health”. Sounds easier ( virtuoso with women ), & more fun, then learning/working at being a virtuoso with that other stuff. True?
    I newbie. I don’t have time learn that other stuff, guitar,sports,business,etc. I am not blessed with a talent. Also, I didn’t take music lessons when I was a kid ( should have ). Is there any hope for schmucks like me ( no want wait 10 years learning a skill )? Do I have wait 10 years ( learn a skill ) to get laid?
    Sincerely, Moon-dog (Tim).
    ps: pls. don’t make hard. ( why life have to be so hard? ) Thank-you.

    Love your stuff, keep up the great work. ( but don’t be hard on us lol)

    • tom says

      mhh you dont have time to learn something? so what are you doing the whole day?
      You missed a very important point… Its not only about instruments,sports or doing big business. It`s never to late to demonstrate social commitment. It doesnt matter what you do so start working at your local Kindergarten, hospital or help homeless people. You dont need something like talent, just the motivation to help.. All in all you do something for the society and your personal value. You will feel much better and i swear if you are going to tell your next girl about your social aptitude she will love it…You help others and yourself, this is more worht than playing the fucking guitar…

  2. Aethereal says

    “Confused yet? Good. If you don’t understand, ask in the comments. Word my niggas.”

    If I may paraphrase: the illusion of mastery basically tells us that you don’t know how something works unless you actually tried it. Thus, in order to learn how something works (aka, becoming the player we all aspire), we have to change “(I don’t need to read the book, I saw the movie.)” to “(I did.)”.

    In other words instead of reading endlessly about this stuff we should actually go out there and try stuff.

  3. putaneiro says

    First, I am really happy to see you are doing fine. Also, good article. Those things need to be remembered.

    I belive I will get to the point I want eventually, but there are ups and downs. I decided to stop settling for the six and sevens, so some nights I go back empty handed. One thing is reading how to have interesting conversations, and sometimes the girls gets my humor and I am golden, but many times they don’t get most of the ironies, or I fall to a reactive mode and I fell so boring I excuse and leave. Sometimes they even make visual before the approach, but I manage to make things go south.

    I got to the point of having 4 girls on rotation, but right now things are a little dry. No questions here, just pointing how long the journey is.

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