Darren “DJ” Fuji Uses Frame Control To Gaslight His Girlfriend

I’ve been practicing my link bait headlines. Part of my Gen Y marketing strategy.

Who is Dj Fuji?

On his website you will read:

Darren “DJ” Fuji is an internationally-acclaimed motivational speaker and confidence/dating coach. He’s been featured in popular media including the New York Times, VH1, Gothamist, ABC Nightline, and The Dr. Phil Show.

He used to work for a pickup dude named Mehow, back in the day (I like Mehow). DJ is one of my favourite reformed pickup artists (It seems everyone, myself included, is a reformed pickup artist).

He’s one of those genuinely nice dudes who unlike so many narcissistic pickup coaches who use the “approach another girl and give me your money” method, focuses on the nuances of “fundamentals,” “work ethic,” and seems to genuinely care about helping people achieve their goals.

I’ve had many great discussions with him about women, career, marketing, gender politics, and more, usually over Facebook or Skype. He’s one of a small handful of dating coaches I would recommend other than myself. A wise dude indeed. You can find loads of video interviews with him online. I’m not going to write his bio. But if you’re into game, relationship management, or self-dev, definitely look into his stuff.

And here is the Interview with my friend, Darren “DJ” Fuji.

TD: I have a quote from you: ”The better you get at a skill, the harder it is to teach it, because you start to take the skill for granted.”

DJ: Yep

TD: Is this something you have experienced yourself?

DJ: Definitely. It’s a daily struggle because of that concept. The longer you do something and the better you get at it (aka unconscious competence), the crappier you are at teaching it because you forget how to do it consciously. It’s the same reason that learning to drive from our parents was such a horrible experience. Because they’d say shit like “just stay within the lines!” and you’re like “Yeah no shit, I wasn’t TRYING to swerve out of the lane.”

TD: You’ve had a monogamous girlfriend for a few years now right? You ever miss being a huge manwhore?

DJ: Haha yeah sometimes. But it’s a trade off, like anything else. And what I get out of a committed relationship is WAY more than what i get out of dating a ton of women.

TD: How do you transition? What’s the trade off?

DJ: The closeness you get from an LTR is different from MLTRs and casual relationships. The transition in my head was like this: Once I find a woman who makes me want to stop seeing all the other women, if she’s THAT amazing, then I will. It’s like having a lot of acquaintances vs having a few really close friends.

TD: What skill-sets from “Game” are both healthy or unhealthy in an LTR?

DJ: The healthy ones are things like abundance, controlling your emotions, internal validation, introspection and self-critiquing, the “it’s always my fault” mentality, etc. The unhealthy ones are frame controlling your gf so that you win every fight and the choice paradox (which isn’t technically a skill set, but it still exists). When you get really good at frame control and use it unethically, it becomes what some of the feminists call “gaslighting.” It’s actually interesting that they’ve noticed the concept of frame control.

TD: Feminists! My favourite subject!

DJ: Oh god.

TD: What is gaslighting?

DJ: Let’s forget I brought that up. Gaslighting is essentially frame control done unethically. With a little bit of lying thrown in there for good measure.

TD: Can you give an example?

DJ: Once you get good at frame control, it becomes a double edged sword because you can use it for good (e.g., showing a woman that she doesn’t have to be a victim of societal expectations) or for bad (convincing your wife that infidelity was good for the relationship). The problem is that even if you frame control the person, they resent it if it’s overall bad for them. They resent that you were persuasive enough to convince them of something that was bad for them. So it causes long term problems.

Obviously if you frame control someone and it’s in their best interest then they simply appreciate it. The web has described gaslighting as “rewriting someone else’s reality with your own.” Which I might be wrong about, but sounds exactly like frame control.

TD: Being good at pickup leads you into all sorts of con-artistry doesn’t it? It’s like you have to choose whether to go light or dark side.

DJ: Absolutely. Any kind of development of power does that to you. If you gain a ton of power through a billion dollars, you have the exact same choice.

TD: I want an example of how you have used your social powers for evil.

DJ: Haha. I’ve been pretty good about not falling victim to using them for evil. Though I have used them to win arguments where I was at fault, and that’s not cool. Like your gf can’t argue with why you’re right and she’s wrong, but she resents that she’s never right. I have to turn it off intentionally at times.

TD: A lot of old pua guys start cults. I’ve thought about it. Or conning old ladies out of money.

DJ: You WOULD con old ladies out of money haha.

TD: I would never. I’m a good guy.

DJ: Lol.

TD: It seems that if you want a lot of what guys think they want (a lot of sex with many women) then nice guys really do finish last. But if you want to develop yourself…

DJ: I think it goes like this.

Nice guy scale: nice + unskilled –> no moral compass + unskilled –> nice + skilled –> no moral compass + skilled.

If we think of “nice” as equivalent to ethical then an unethical businessman will usually make more money than an ethical one, at least in the short term. But SKILL IN BUSINESS is an equally important concept. You cant be shitty in business AND on top of that be ethical. Thats called being broke. The nice guys who are virgins are either a) not really genuinely nice, or b) are nice + unskilled, and hence not getting results in dating.

TD: Are you a pua?

DJ: I fucking hate that term. It feels like being called the childhood nickname your parents gave you when you were in first grade.

TD: It was never meant to be a brand.

DJ: True. Though admittedly in 2005 when I was training I was out with Mystery and he came up to me and was like “Bro, that was impressive. You are officially a pickup artist.” And I felt like god himself had shone a light on me lol.

TD: What’s your lay count bro?

DJ: I don’t disclose that publicly. I’ve lost count anyway.

TD: Why should men hire you?

DJ: They shouldn’t. Most guys can’t cut it. You have to go through three steps of screening just to work with me or my staff. We screen out most people who apply. I only want that small sliver of guys who want it bad enough to sacrifice for it. Most people want it only if it’s easy. If guys want to see if they’ve got what it takes, they are free to apply on my website. But fair warning, most guys won’t get in.