Pickup Artist Julien Blanc is a Naughty Wizard Who Angered The Muggles

There are many types of pickup artist, just like there are many types of wizard.

I am not a pickup artist. I am a wizard. I am a social alchemist: A master of charm spells, humour, confidence and much more.

There are good wizards, and bad wizards. There are talented wizards, and mediocre wizards. There are polite and courteous wizards, brave and noble wizards, and rude, cowardly, obnoxious and dumb wizards.

Then there are muggles

Muggles are not magical. They either have no aptitude towards magic, or have little desire to learn.

There are also all sorts of muggle. They are not one, generalized person. They are brave and dumb, tall and short, male and female, and all that.

Because muggles do not understand magic, they fear and hate wizards. To muggles, magic looks strange, evil and scary. They can’t understand how, or why, wizards do what they do.

Muggles can only see the world through muggle eyes. They do not have wizard eyes. Wizards and muggles want different things, and therefore, see different things. What looks pleasant to a wizard, like a toads foot in a potion, looks evil to a muggle.

Because it takes many, many years of study, dedication, and hard work to become a wizard, this weeds away the weak minded, the cowardly, and the quitters.

In wizard culture, there is nothing more shameful than a wizard who quits to become a muggle.

Wizards don’t always get along

Sometimes wizards argue with each other over things like; how you should touch a maiden, or how many hours you should wait before texting your dragon, or what ingredients to use in your charm spell, or which wizard robe looks the coolest on what body type.

They argue in magic halls and Internet forums. Many write great tomes of knowledge, such as myself…I wrote several great tomes.

I am a writer wizard, a lover wizard, a travel wizard, a charm wizard, a noble wizard, an integrity wizard, and a lazy wizard who enjoys hammocks, maiden kissing and back scratches.

I sometimes party too much with maidens, because I’m always looking for the perfect maiden wizard, who is very hard to find with so much competition from other great wizards.

So to recap, there are many types of wizard, and many types of muggle

But one thing all these different wizards can agree upon is:

A. Wizards are the great minority in relation to the muggles.

B. Wizards would much, much rather be wizards, than muggles.

One thing the muggles seem to agree on:

All wizards are evil, maiden hating rapists who use dark magic to cheat and steal and harass.

This is because at some point the muggle had an experience with a bad wizard, and now they believe all wizards are bad.

The muggle fears the unknown, the unfamiliar, and rarely ventures far from what they believe is true. So when a wizard displays his magic, the muggle reels in horror, labels the wizard a monster and initiates a wizard hunt.

If the muggle were to read one or more of the tomes, like my own, they would realize there are many maiden loving wizards with different views, and different magics. But studying wizard ways would mean that the wizard knows something the muggle does not. This breaks the muggle law, that the muggle is never wrong. The muggle knows everything the muggle needs to know to be a successful muggle. Anything that is contrary to muggle ways, is a threat and must be burned at the stake. If a muggle studies wizard ways they might be cast out of muggle society.

Beyond all else, the muggle fears being cast out of its society that is protected from wizards.

Wizards fear being forced into a society that does not let them practice their magic.

Wizards love to make magic, like spells and potions

Some of their potions backfire and explode, and all the different types of wizards point and say, “See. I told you not to do that. This is the correct way to make a potion!”

When many types of wizard feel they have similar magic, they group together and form different factions, with different ideologies and belief systems.

Sometimes wizards battle one another. But they are still wizards, and unanimously agree it is still far, far better to be a wizard, than a muggle. On this issue, they rarely fight.

Some muggles through their own talents can become wizards — though most will never even consider the possibility. In fact, the majority of muggles give no thought to the existence of wizards. If it wasn’t for the very loud wizard haters, wizards and muggles could live in peace. But there are many wizard haters. Too many to count.

Most muggles see magic as something strange, and dark, and frightening. If they learn that a wizard is living in their neighbourhood, they will light pitchforks and come to their door to demand justice.

“Justice for what?” The wizard will ask.

“For being evil!”

“But I’m not one of the evil wizards. I’m a good wizard.”

“It doesn’t matter. All Wizards are evil!” They will scream.

And so the wizard cannot stay in the land of the muggles, because if all wizards are evil, maiden hating rapists, why would anyone want to be a wizard?

So the wizard must retreat to his magic castle, with high walls, and dragons, and the fair maidens who don’t care that he’s a wizard, because they’re too busy being fair maidens.

Maidens

Ahh yes, the maidens. Contrary to popular belief, most wizards love maidens. They really, really love maidens. And because they are wizards, and require great amounts of knowledge to be happy, they desire to learn from many maidens. And many maidens are more than happy to let their wizards spend time with other maidens, to learn from them, and become better wizards, which makes the maidens happier for being close to such great wizards.

This idea, that a wizard could have relations with many maidens, and not just one (which is the muggle way,) infuriates the muggles. Because secretly, muggles are very jealous of the wizard lifestyle, which is free, and loving, and dangerous to their muggle society value system.

Wizards have little use for muggle systems.

Many maidens are also wizards!

Some maidens become great wizards themselves, they become goddesses. Instead of fearing and hating the wizards, they instead learn from them, and some eventually become as powerful as the most powerful wizards.

The wizards love them for this, because these wizard-maidens are wise and beautiful. But they also love the maiden wizards because they don’t need to be better, or more powerful than the man wizard. They only wish to be near, and to learn, and support them.

Muggles hate that wizards have strong sexuality, because muggle culture condemns the person who admits they actively seek maidens, or romance. The muggle way is to just, “let it happen.” But wizards know that nothing, “Just happens.” You have to study, focus, and take magical action.

Maiden wizards and man wizards are not the same. And that is what is great about wizard culture. They celebrate the differences, instead of taking the muggle view that everyone is exactly the same.

It’s unfortunate that these maiden wizards are so rare. Even more rare than man wizards.

It’s also unfortunate that the bad wizards sometimes frighten the muggles by displaying their dark magic to them.

The rule of wizards must never be broken. The rule is this:

Do not show your magic to muggles, because they will be frightened, and they will hate you, and shame you, and chase you to the highest mountain and burn you alive. 

Some wizards keep their magic knowledge a secret. In the muggle world, these wizards are often famous actors, writers, musicians and great people. They always have to watch what they say, or they might anger the muggles who think that the celebrity is actually one of them, and that these wizards were just born talented, and did not have to study magic.

By lying to the muggles about what they believe, these wizards can blend in with the muggles. They only show a small amount of their magic, and keep their real magic a secret.

Julien Blanc is a young wizard, who because of his proud ego, stood on the stage before all the muggles and displayed his real, dark magic. For this reason, he was burned at the stake. But like Gandalf, the most famous of wizards, he will climb back up the mountain and change colours. Because what doesn’t kill you, often makes you stronger.

So future and present wizards, keep your magic to yourself, satisfy your maidens and stay within your castles, where wizards are meant to be.

T.D. Newton