A reader asked me how he could cure his Approach Anxiety. It’s been too long since I wrote about AA, so let’s free him of his eternal pain and sorrow.
I played our romantic story, over, and over, in my lust-and-ego-drunk imagination, until finally, during a home team basketball game, I found the guts to approach her, and we made volcanic, bursting, deep-penetrating love under the bleachers. Her moans of pleading ecstasy rising…
No, I just stared at her and went to class.
She passed me in the halls for weeks before I said something. And when I did, I was a highly adrenalized, stuttering fool. As the blood left my face I squeaked, sweat bursting in areas I don’t sweat, “Hi.” Noticing my visible terror she awkwardly replied, “It’s okay…” but more like, “It’s okay?”
Then I said, “Sorry,” turned, and walked away with my shame.
So damn embarrassing. Even worse, I’d call her home phone, and when she picked up, I’d hang up. I’d have a damn panic attack. I just couldn’t form words. My heart would pound out of my chest, I’d clam up, and do nothing but run from my fear. Pathetic.
I actually spoke to her a few more times. But I, “didn’t know what to say.” And all I had to do was genuinely express my wit, confidence, and social intelligence. Or…be calm. Like a rock in the harbour she could anchor to.
I was more like a rubber duck.
Many years later I discovered the pickup community. They explained that Approach Anxiety is normal, and any man can overcome this irrational fear with practice. And it’s true. I’m proud to say, I’m no longer a social retard.
Here’s the thing about AA: if you’re afraid to approach attractive women, you aren’t alone. According to various polls, the average man will sleep with about 7 women in his entire life.
So, that means about 7% of men sleep with around 93% of the attractive women. These are the guys with game.
But the other 93%, they might end up as mass-murdering incels, or settling for a woman they don’t even love because they lack the experience to maintain relationships. Nor can they attract relationship-worthy women, or any women at all. Poor bastards. Thankfully they have video games, streaming porn and cheap marijuana.
Why Does Approach Anxiety Exist?
Imagine the cave man. He’s not doing so well in his tribe. He’s not in the circle of Alpha cave men. Those guys get dibs on the food, and the women. Being a beta cave man sucks Saber-Tooth nuts. He gets no respect. So he grabs his skull smasher and ventures out into the tundra, to find a new tribe, or start his own. And if he doesn’t starve, fall, or get mauled, and does manage to find a new clan, the chances that he’ll have his head caved in and eaten for dinner are extremely likely.
He truly must have faced life and death to improve his.
That wiring, the life and death instinct is still there in your lizard brain, in your unconscious-consciousness. Your brain does not know the difference between approaching a pretty girl, and facing death.
What does Approach Anxiety feel like?
The symptoms are such:
- Heightened adrenaline
- Increased heart rate
- Inability to articulate thoughts into words
- Fight or flight instinct
- Inability to hold eye contact
- Profuse sweating
- Submissive body language
- Nervous coughing
- Body scratching
- Nervous laughter
- Dilated pupils
- Awkward nonsensical speech
- Basically, it looks and feels like an anxiety, or panic attack.
Many women also suffer from Approach, or Social Anxiety. I’ve lost count of how many have told me, “I’m so shy,” or, “I’m very anxious,” or, “I suffer from anxiety.” Women are well aware that as a gender they have higher levels of anxiety in general, than men. Perhaps they can learn from this article as well.
The good news is Approach Anxiety does have a very, very powerful cure. The cure is:
Approaching and Social Experience
By approaching women and gaining experience, you can reprogram your brain to develop social, and sexual confidence.
Guess what women are most attracted to?
Approaching women not only allowed me to meet more women, and helped me overcome my social anxiety, but gave me the confidence to start my own business, write and publish novels, travel the world and even speak live at seminars, and to the media.
Getting over my approach anxiety completely changed my life for the better. And you can do it to.
The Paradox of Approach Anxiety
Here’s the paradox. You are afraid to approach women, because you have AA. But the only way to overcome AA, is to approach women.
I’ve heard so many excuses from men:
- “I’ll start approaching when I find a wingman.”
- “When I lose weight.”
- “When I buy new clothes.”
- “When I finish xyz seduction product.”
- “Finish school.”
- “Take a vacation.”
Excuses and avoidance.
You will never, never, ever conquer your Approach Anxiety until you man up, and learn how to approach women. The experience of facing your fears will give you confidence, self-esteem, and build momentum.
When you face your fears you feel good.
When you don’t face your fears you feel bad.
If you grow the nuts to face your fears and approach women, you could join the 7% of men who sleep with more than 7 women in their lifetime. And that’s just the beginning.
Think of all the benefits of overcoming approach anxiety, and then consider the negatives.
- Increased confidence
- Dating more and more attractive women
- Choice of who you date
- Bigger and more diverse social circles
- The ability to meet anyone, anytime, anywhere
- Positive life experience and memories
- Social freedom and power
- Limited social embarrassment (during the learning process.)
There are so many more positives, and almost no negatives to this process. Maybe you’ll have a mild panic attack until you reprogram your mind. But if you face the fear of embarrassment, the positives so greatly outweigh the negatives as to make them inconsequential.
How To Rid Yourself Forever of Approach Anxiety
The first step is to imagine what it would feel like if you could effortlessly, confidently, approach and charm any woman, anytime, anywhere. What would that look like? What would that feel like? How would your life be different if you had this skill.
Visualize a positive future. Imagine it vividly. Daydream it. Write about it. Talk about it.
We all have stories we tell ourselves. We spend all day with this chatter. For a guy with AA, it sounds like this:
“I wish I had game.” “I just don’t know what to say.” “I can’t approach women, that’s creepy.” “What if somebody I know see’s me?” “What if they laugh at me?” “What if she doesn’t like it?” “Approaching women is weird.” “What do I do?” “I’ll learn later, I have time.”
A guy with game has a story too:
“I’m awesome. There’s a pretty girl. I’m going to meet her now. This is fun. Of course she will like me. Everybody likes me. Here I go. I’m approaching her. This is great. I love women. Women love me.”
The first step is to change the story you tell yourself. Fake it till you make it. Lie to yourself if you must. Change the story in your mind. Create a new reality by first imagining it, then trying it, then believing it.
When you change your story, you begin the process of re-wiring your subconscious mind.
One of my heroes, Jordan Peterson, says this:
“Stop saying things that make you weaker.”
Whenever the negative chatter chirps in your mind, stop those thoughts immediately, and change them. Even if your new thoughts are not the present reality. They will be.
Do Not Allow Negative Thoughts To Exist
Catch them early, and dismiss them. Like when you fart in an elevator. That’s not your fart. Nope. Must be someone else. That’s not you.
I want you to sit back and visualize how your life would be better if you could completely eliminate your approach anxiety. This will help to motivate you to deal with it, for once and for all.
We all have stories we tell ourselves. By changing the story, you can re-program your subconscious mind. Instead of telling yourself you suck, tell yourself you’re a sexy, confident, strong, good looking, charming, funny…
I love talking about myself.
However, just standing in the mirror telling yourself how beautiful you are won’t get you laid, and won’t cure your AA. You have to actually go out, face your fear and approach women. Actually, approaching women is the only way to cure Approach Anxiety. Nothing else will do it. Not another blog post, Youtube vid, e-course, meditation retreat, or no-fap month. Nothing else works.
The only cure for approach anxiety, is to approach women.
But what if you can’t approach because it causes too much anxiety?
Since you have the problems of a baby, I will show you the baby’s remedy (shame works too).
Point to your boo-boo. Where does it hurt?
For many the thought of approaching a girl causes very precise physical manifestations. Almost always it is increased heart-rate, a tightness around the neck and temples, or a feeling of nausea and panic.
So where exactly is the pain located?
- Chest and Heart
- Neck and Head
- Stomach and Kidneys
- All of the above
By identifying where the panic manifests you can isolate it, and separate it from yourself. You see, it’s not necessarily that you’re just a huge pussy who can’t talk to girls. Well…you are, but separating the pain shows you this is your body responding to fear stimulus…not your soul.
Just like you can put a cast on a broken limb, you can heal you pain through rehabilitation.
The Mind-Body Attachment
Your mind and body are attached. In the case of Approach Anxiety, when you become anxious, your thoughts race. I call this, “Chatter.” The chatter causes your heart rate to increase, which sucks the blood out of your brain, and sends it to your limbs. Your body prepares to fight to the death, or flee.
But you’re supposed to be flirting, not fighting. Your brain just doesn’t know the difference yet. It’s up to you to teach it. It still thinks you’re a caveman.
For a moment try this exercise. Pick a spot on the wall, or a tree, or the floor. It doesn’t matter. Just pick a spot, and stare at it.
First deeply in through your nose, then out through your mouth.
Tell yourself this word:
Do not let any thoughts interfere. Don’t let the chatter rule you. Just breathe, and, “Relax.”
This will calm your mind, which will calm your body.
If you feel your heart sputtering at 100 miles an hour, then tell your heart to, “Relax.”
If your mind is going crazy, tell it to, “Relax.”
You can either relax your mind, or your body. They are connected, so it doesn’t matter.
Take Massive Action
Of course you can’t just walk around all day telling yourself to relax and expect results. You have to actually expose yourself to the source of your fear. This is why it’s called, “Exposure Therapy.”
So find some attractive women, approach them, and when the panic ensues, deal with it.
With enough practice you will be able to control your panic, your emotions, and eventually gain a powerful skillset:
And then you can be free as the Jews after they escaped Egypt. Smoooooth sailing from there on, forever.
I wish there was more to it. I do have advanced techniques and strategies for overcoming AA. But almost all of them come down to this:
- Facing your fears by taking massive action
- Controlling your thoughts and emotions
I’m planning to create a course for overcoming Approach Anxiety forever. If you’re not already, sign up for my newsletter and I’ll let you know when it’s ready.
If you’re looking for a short cut, why not take a bootcamp, a mentorship, or Skype coaching? Contact me for a free consultation.