A Montreal Dating Coach On Being Enough and Pulling Hotties

***The following is a guest post by my Montreal and Toronto Dating Coach, Jay H. The guy has sick game, and knows how to teach. Check out this great (and long) post on entitlement, being enough, and pulling.*** T.D.

One of the biggest epiphanies I ever had in game revolved around the concept of pulling.

By pulling I mean bringing a girl you’re interested in — been spending time with, dating, flirting with, whatever — back to your place or her place alone in an intimate setting.

I first discovered the concept of game, like many others, from Neil Strauss’ book “The Game”. Soon after, I purchased The Mystery Method and began approaching girls in malls. I practiced routines, and became quite the performer.

I was a master of getting the reactions I wanted out of girls, but I still wasn’t getting laid very frequently. I just couldn’t figure it out. Meanwhile, guys who had half the technical abilities I did were having way more sex than me. It was incredibly frustrating.

Only many years later, would I realize one of my major sticking points: that I didn’t trust that I was enough for the girls I was talking to. This lead to a series of behaviors that made me get in my own way when there was the possibility of a sexual connection between me and the girl.

Let’s examine several ways that believing you’re not enough is getting in your way, and what the proper behavior should be:

The most common and obvious manifestation of this belief is overly qualifying yourself to the girl. Showing off your watch, car, your grades, how great you are at the trumpet, anything. Essentially, bragging to the girl to try to impress her. This immediately turns girls off, as it is comes off as try-hard and pathetic.

Instead, you should just focus on building a good vibe with the girl. Have your own fun, and suck her into it. Be playful, joke around, say things that you find are funny, get to know her, and let her get to know you. Express your fun and playful side, rather than trying to manage an impression.

The next way self-doubt manifests itself is in failing shit tests

Basically, the girl will say something off-putting or challenging in order to test your frame. A lot of guys will just assume that their game is bad because a girl is shitting testing them. Actually, your game is good enough to even get tested in the first place, although if you’re getting tested too much you’re probably doing something wrong. There should be a good balance.

The proper response to a shit test is to a) be emotionally unaffected by it b) respond in a humorous manner (or ignore it entirely) and c) keep the conversation going as if it’s no big deal. Nothing is ever a big deal. Everything is fun light and playful. If a girl is interested, she will inevitably shit test you (maybe a lot). So you’d better get used to it!

The next one is reaction seeking through your game

So you’re there, and nothing is really happening. You’re just chatting, and you’re not sure if she really likes you. You’re doubting yourself, so you try to do something over the top or try-hard to get a reaction out of her to prove to yourself that she actually likes you. When you do this, it just creeps her out and ruins your chances. Ironically, the best indicator of interest is her being quiet and attentive, but us guys often interpret this as a sign she’s not interested.

Instead of feeling the need to draw reactions out of the girl, slow things down to speed things up. If she is there, and you’re still chatting, that’s good enough. Focus on building comfort with her, and trust that when she gets to know you well enough she will like you. As long as you have some light and playful touching intermittently, you will not get friend-zoned. So don’t sweat it! She can’t even get to know 90% of guys because they blow themselves out by saying stupid shit. Just play it slow, and you’ll be golden.

If you’re constantly trying to prove to her how cool you are, because you don’t trust that you’re good enough, it leaves her little room to chase

If she isn’t chasing, she isn’t investing. If she isn’t investing you aren’t setting yourself apart from the other guys. It’s human nature (and also a logical fallacy) that once we’ve invested time, energy and/or money into something we’re more likely to follow through with it rather than cut our losses. So, not letting her invest is a big mistake.

Instead, leave some space in the interaction periodically to give her the opportunity to invest. Early on, you have to lead the interaction pretty hard, often times, because otherwise she will just run off. But once you’ve been chatting with her for a few minutes, let her talk if she wants to. Pause periodically to give her the chance to invest. Act as if you’re about to leave. Speak to other people. Give her some space to work for it, and/or doubt whether or not you’re really that into her. You’ll immediately stand out from all the try-hards.

Lastly, not trusting that you are enough, makes you seek out too much proof that she likes you before you bring her to an intimate

This is a huge mistake. Women and humans in general, live in the emotion of the moment. What you feel one minute, may not be what you feel the next. What you believe you will feel and how you will act in a given situation may not actually be how you feel and act. This is hard for humans to wrap their head around, but humans cannot accurately predict their emotional responses to many situations in advance.

We believe that we can, by imagining, but often times our imagined responses and the actual responses are quite different. So because you believe that she isn’t showing enough interest now, there’s no point trying to pull her.

While it is true that her current behavior is correlated to how she will behave once the two of you are alone in an intimate setting, it is not causal. A girl can be acting like she’s totally d.t.f. before you pull, and then not let you sleep with her. A girl can show little to no interest (other than spending time with you, and you leading her to an intimate location) and she will end up sleeping with you. 

Of course a positive interaction is more correlated to sex once in an intimate setting but it is not causal. So because guys think that current emotional behavior in this moment = emotional behavior in a later moment, they won’t pull unless they have large signs from the girl that she’s d.t.f. This leads to a lot of missed sex.

The appropriate action is to try to pull the girl no matter what. Always, bring the interaction as far as you can. Go to the point of no return. Walk her out of the club, walk to her to where she’s going shopping, walk her to her home, whatever. Always try to go as far as you can with her. This will give you more time to game her, and for her to sample your personality. It will also make her feel more invested, and allow you to get to know her better. Of course, this should be done in a non-needy way (which is difficult to describe through text). But every step that you move closer towards a location where intimacy can happen, increases your chances of arriving with her to a place where intimacy can happen. And your greatest chance of success is always in a place of intimacy.

Good game is about increasing your chances once you’ve got her in alone in an intimate setting, but if you never get her in alone in an a private location in the first place your chances are a big ZERO. (This excludes public sex, but these instances are the exception, not the rule).

So why wasn’t I getting laid as much as I should have? Well there were several reasons, but the main one was that I didn’t believe I was enough and it manifested in the behaviors just listed. Believing you’re enough is something you’ve got to meditate on. Also, it’s hard to really believe you’re enough when you’re getting all these mixed reactions from girls. Guys often think their game sucks, when really they’re just getting normal reactions. A perfect example is weird looks off of the approach.

The best players in the world get weird looks off of the approach!

It’s not about her reactions; it’s about how you deal with them. The professional player will be expecting weird looks, he will be expecting shit tests, he will be expecting her resistance, awkwardness and all the other obstacles that have to be overcome. The real difference between the amateurs and the pros is that the pros are familiar with the recurring challenges, don’t doubt themselves and, therefore, get through them. Whereas, the amateur doubts himself because of these challenges which are a part of the game and, therefore, gives up prematurely.

It isn’t about eliminating obstacles from the girls, or getting perfect reactions, it’s about learning to deal with them appropriately, holding your frame, enduring, and leading her through her own emotions that are holding her back from a great experience.

“Endurance is not just the ability to bear a hard thing, but to turn it into glory.” – William Barclay

***Jay H is running some of my programs on the East Coast. So if you are looking for coaching from Jay, shoot me an email for a free consultation.***